I can’t do it ok? I can’t pretend like I’m a normal sane person who can be in some happy relationship. I can’t. I just realized the other day that, and I’m completely serious about this, I want to hurt the people I think I love! Like, what does that even mean? Part of me just wants to rip out a heart and stomp on it until it blends with the gravel. I want to be the thing that destroys someone. It’s completely fucked up that I equate love to things like trauma and damage, isn’t it?

All of this just makes me think I haven’t healed or grown much at all since I realized things were really dead with that one person. Just one single person has completely changed my world and now I’m damaged through and through. I’m still in that state of mind where compassion is just this figment of my imagination. I feel so angry at everyone and for what reason?? Because it never worked out the way I planned? Because I was supposed to do things the correct way and I was going to find what I was missing and live happily ever after?

These circles just make me so fucking sick. I hate consistently moving forward and running backwards all the time. I can honestly blame every mental health problem I will ever have on this one fucking person and how does that even happen by the way? Did I let that happen and just not know it? Why would anyone want to fall in love just so they can spend the rest of their life as a fragile, damaged, little fraction of a person? Nobody warns you about that. “Hey, maybe don’t lose too much of yourself in this one person. Don’t put every last one of your eggs in that basket, fool.” I mean, come on. I’m not the first person to feel like this. A little warning would have been nice.